Dear RUF: Part 2

Dear RUF,

I wrote one of these last year, and I promise I didn't intend this to be a series, but I really enjoyed writing it last year so I figured I'd do it again. It's a really great time of self reflection and realizing how Jesus is continually working in and through my life.

Let's talk about Summer Conference for a second. For those of you who don't know, Summer Conference, or as the cool kids call it 'SuCo', is a week long retreat at the beach, filled with awesome seminars and an awesome time at the beach. I know it's kind of a joke to say, "come to SuCo, it'll change your life," but I'd like to put forth the idea that that's true. A year ago I went to the 'Depression and Anxiety' and 'Counseling' 2 day seminars, and today I'm sitting here writing to you currently in counseling and taking medication for my anxiety.

I can draw a direct line from that first summer conference to the fact that I'm sitting here writing this. That to me, is awesome. Not the hyperbolic awesome, but the real, true awesome. I am so incredibly thankful for that week and the grace God has shown me through it. So thank you to Sammy Rhodes, Lee Wright, and the entire RUF crew that makes Summer Conference happen. It's much more than a week at the beach. God's doing great work, please don't forget that.

Another big thing for me this last year has been a shift in my view of dating, specifically the aspect of singleness. Our first semester topic this year was Dating and Relationships, and goodness me I'm so thankful for it. I can't tell you how many nights me and my roommates stayed up talking about the ideas surrounding dating and sex and marriage that were presented to us.

Anyways.

Talking to my friends about this, we kind of came to the conclusion that that the church doesn't do a good job of approaching the topic of singlness. There's a lot of pressure in the church, and even in my family *cough mom and dad ;)* to get married, and to get married fast. That leads to a lot of stress, and to a guy who falls really hard and really fast for people, that's a lot of unnecessary pressure on just dating in general.

I love this quote from Barry Danylak about the goodness that both singleness and marriage bring, from his book 'Redeeming Singleness', saying, "Christian marriage is a testimony of the utterly faithful and unchanging love of God for his people in a permanent covenant relationship with him; Christian singleness is a testimony to the complete sufficiency of Christ for the present age and gives visible witness to the hope of our eternal inheritance yet to come."

I remember talking to Mattdawg, our now former intern, about the singleness seminar. He told me that going to the seminar gave him the confidence to ask his now fiance/wife (depending on when you read this, they're getting married Saturday eeep!!) on a date, and now I totally understand why. Being single is OKAY. There's just as much grace in singleness than there is in dating or marriage, and there is so much freedom in that.

Speaking of freedom, I think I really and truly understand what the gospel means. That even though I'm going to mess up, and mess up a lot, there is still enough grace for me. That my Father not only loves me, but wants to love me. There's a lot of freedom in that y'all. Sanctification really is a process of realizing how messed up I am, and inversely how much Jesus loves me.

Like I said earlier, that's awesome. Not hyperbolic awesome, but really and truly awesome.

I don't really know how to end this. So thanks for reading. If you're a senior about to head to college and want to know more about RUF, I'd love to talk to you about it. If you're one of my many friends here at State or across the country, I love you guys. Thanks for continuing to love and support me. If you're mom or dad, maybe we have some stuff to talk about ;) If you're part of RUF in any way, thank you for the impact you've had on my life. Thank you, really and truly.

Keep chasing Him,

Collin

To My Roommates

Living with these three guys has taught me a lot.

First things first: I'm not as great as I think I am.

Sharing a house with three guys has really shown me my insecurity.

I'm always trying to prove myself.

Always trying to be the "man of the house."

Always trying to be better than the others.

My identity isn't secure in Christ, 

instead it's wrapped up in what other people think of me.

Second thing: I'm beyond lazy.

I don't do the best job of cleaning up.

I mean, if nessecary I will.

Thank goodness we have Freshmen Movie Night at our house on tuesdays,

or this house would never get cleaned.

But I'll always leave wrappers on the couch, or laundry on my floor. 

Let's not even mention my car.

Main thing, I'm too much of a slob.

Third thing: I need people who are excited with me.

Big thing I've realized is that having roommates is just a small taste of marriage.

I chose to live with these three guys, 

and with that comes learning how to operate around each other.

With that in mind, another thing living with these guys has taught me,

is that I really need to marry someone who loves the same things I do.

Or at the very least, loves to see me excited about those things.

  

This isn't me throwing shade.

They're allowed to love their own things, and not to love mine.

 But sometimes it's just super draining.

I'm a super passionate person, and when I love something,

I really love it.

And when I'm really passionate about something, I love to talk about.

I love to discuss it. Love to dive in deep as to why I love it. 

I just... don't really feel like I can do that with them.

But.

I think they've also shown me a glimpse of God's grace.

I mean. They haven't kicked me out yet, have they?

There's a lot of love in my heart for these guys.

There's so many laughs, and wonderful experiences, and incredible things

 that living with these guys has brought me.

And man, I'm unbelievably thankful for them.

Even if they eat my leftovers, or get in my bed without asking,

or even purposefully screwing me over in Super Smash,

there's still so much love for each of them.

You guys have shown me what living for Christ should look like.

You put up with my insecurity,

you tolerate my laziness,

you'll even let me show you that incredible GoPro Lion video.

You even help me work with and around my anxiety.

You've shown me His love and grace and I consider myself incredibly blessed.

 So thanks guys.

Here's to a few more semesters, I hope.

Faking Hero

Part 2.

The problem with putting down this mask that I've put on,

is that I always wanted to wear the mask in the first place.

I sit here and think,

"Collin, you strive to be the hero. You strive to be the bigger man.

You strive to be the good guy."

I hate that I'm angry.

Hero's aren't angry.

The worst part about it all, is that I don't feel like I have anything to be angry about.

How am I to expect a city to respond to me?

I have no control over it.

Gotham is Gotham.

And Gotham thinks and feels whatever Gotham wants too.

How can I be angry at its subjective choice?

There's no objective right or wrong here.

So why am I so angry that Gotham hasn't chosen me to be its hero?

Because I feel entitled.

I've done so much for this city, that I feel that I deserve to be the one it looks up to.

To love me as much as I love it.

I want to be Gotham's one and only hero.

And for that reason,

Gotham doesn't deserve me.

Playing Hero

Part 1.

I'm tired of playing the hero.

I feel like Batman.

His ever recurring struggle to keep Gotham safe.

No matter what he does,

there's always another villain,

always another code red.

There's never any rest.

I'm tired of watching out for Gotham, when Gotham doesn't watch out for me.

I'm right there right now.

I feel battered and bruised.

I feel sick, and I feel tired, and I'm angry.

For the first time, I'm angry.

For the first time in my relationship with this city I love,

I'm angry at it.

It never responds to anything I do.

It feels cold, and dark, and distant.

I can't win.

No matter how hard I try,

no matter how many villains I lock away,

no matter how many times I tell myself I'm doing this for the right reasons,

no matter how many times I power through,

it won't fix the heart of the problem.

The heart of the problem is this.

I'm in love with a city that doesn't love me back.

And I'm tired of playing its hero.

Music and HARDLOVE

Let's talk about music for a second.

I think music is one of the most powerful forms of art we interact with.

It's an instant mood changer. From good to bad, or bad to good. 

Maybe from good to great, or bad to worse.

For me, the biggest part of that, that change factor are the lyrics.

What sets a song that I love apart from one that I just like to dance too are those lyrics.

It used to be purely musical.

If it had a good beat and was fun to sing, I was all about it.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few guilty pleasure pop songs that I love to jam too.

But my favorite songs, and consequently my favorite bands, are those who can combine really solid storytelling and good music.

All that being said.

Needtobreathe dropped a new album today that I've had on repeat all day.

 I love it musically. Classic Needtobreathe with a great new sound.

It's incredibly fun.

But lyrically?

I find it equally as satisfying.

I decided to sit through the album and share some of my favorite lyric:

 

"It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love"

"But everybody's got a price, I guess
It's even lower than you think it is"

"I got dreams that keep me up in the dead of night
Telling me I wasn't made for the simple life"

"I know you found the promise land
But I'm still here and I'm missing you"

"But we don't get to be here long"

"Into the wild, canyons of youth
Oh, there's a world to fall into
We just will dance like kids on the moon
Oh, I will give myself to you
As soon as you start to let go"

"Give me your heart, give me your song
Sing it with all your might
Come to the fountain and you can be satisfied"

"You're the steady hands of a ticking clock that I'll come to rely on"

"I promise I won't let you down
Honey, it's so clear now"

For His Tears Were Bigger Than My Own

"'But please, please - won't you - can't you give me something that will cure my mother?'

Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet 

and the huge claws on them;

now, in his despair, he looked up at its face.

What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life.

For the tawny face was bent down near his own

 and great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes.

They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt

 as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his mother than he was himself."

Through a very emotional three days, there's almost nothing better than reading.

Or watching a movie.

I've done both.

There's a scene at the very end of the movie "Steve Jobs."

(Which I've firmly cemented as one of my top five favorite films ever.)

This scene is between Steve and his daughter Lisa, who have had an awful relationship since the very beginning.

Lisa approaches him and asks him straight to his face,

"Why'd you say you weren't my father?"

Steve just stands there and answers,

"Because I'm poorly made."

Because I'm poorly made.

As much as I love that scene and that line, the statement itself is backwards.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.

But at the same time, we're fallen.

And we live in a fallen world.

So here I am after an emotional three days,

full of remembrance, and regret, and self loathing.

Crying to myself because it hurt, and because it still hurts.

But reminded of His grace, and mercy, and love.

Reminded that through Him, I am free to weep, and to be sad.

Reminded that, even for a moment, His tears are bigger than my own.

Dear RUF,

Where to even begin.

I guess I'll just start with a huge thank you. You've given me some of the greatest friends a guy could ask for, and I never would have met them if it wasn't for RUF. You've always been a highlight of my week, and something I always look forward too no matter what.

To the Band - Thank you! You guys rock. Music might be my favorite part of RUF, and y'all have done an incredible job all semester. Thanks for pointing us to Jesus with each and every song, I appreciate it more than you know, trust me.

Thank you Caroline, for all that you do. I really wish I could have gotten to know you a little better this semester, I feel like I kinda missed out a little bit. But, having said that, I think it's a huge deal to be able to see the impact you've had on these girls at RUF. They love you and they're really gonna miss you. Thanks you for loving on them.

Thank you Brian, for really showing me that I am loved no matter what I do, or who I am. For showing me that the creator of the universe loves me unconditionally. I know it's something I already believed somewhere in my heart, but you've made me see what that really looks like, and what that means in our daily lives. Thank you for all you've done so far and will continue to do.

Thank you Mathew, Matty, Matty-Ice, Roelofs, whatever your name is. You've been a constant encouragement this semester. You're always there when I need to talk to you about something, or just to hang out and play video games. That may seem like such a small thing, but trust me, it means a lot. You've been an incredible intern and I'm super excited to continue to hangout next semester. Keep being you, Matty.

To the rest of you weirdos who somehow decided to become friends with me, man, thank you guys. You've really made this semester incredibly enjoyable and I'm gonna miss you over the summer. Spending time with you in and outside of RUF has been an absolute delight. Thanks for making me feel loved and welcomed.

I think that's it. Year one of RUF is in the books. All I can tell you is that I look forward to being back next year and getting more involved with this program that has already changed me for the better, this program that I love.

Thank you.

Keep chasing Him,
Collin

Making the World Small

Right Now,

 

 I'm at my most creative.

 

I dive myself into art in order to block out this world that I don't want to exist right now.

 

 

This allows me to shine a light in any way I want.

 

I can highlight specifics aspects of a project,

 

I can focus on different ideas,

 

 

I can make 

 

the world 

 

small.

 

 

And when the world's small...

There and Back Again, and There Once More

I've been reminiscing on my trip to Italy and Greece this past week.

It's been a year to the day since I returned from those magical places.

And a year later I can confidently say that trip changed me.

It instilled in me a love for travel, a love for experiences,
a love for adventure.

I want to go everywhere now.

I want to go to explore the Red Woods in California.

I want to go learn to surf in Cape Town, South Africa

I just want to go roam around Scotland.

I want to go back.

I fell in love with the city of Rome.

Which is just a weird saying, I know.
I always thought it was strange when people said it to me,
but it's so true.

It's hard for me to explain it.

It's a longing to be back.

It's a sense of wanting more.

It's, quite simply, a sense of adventure.

I could have spent our whole trip just in Rome.

There's was much to explore and do and to experience.

And when it comes down to it,

I think that's what this trip instilled in me.

A sense of adventure.

A desire to go explore.

A deep want to have as many experiences as I can.

That's why some part of me wants to go skydiving.

Or swim in a shark cage.

Or ride an elephant.

I just want to do cool and amazing stuff.

This trip showed me what adventure feels like,
 and I'm slightly addicted.

I Stutter.

I'm gonna start this with a recommendation.

If you watched the Oscars this past Sunday you may have seen

Benjamin Cleary and Serena Armitage's short film "Stutterer"  win best short film.

I watched Tuesday afternoon and had to take a moment to collect myself before walking into freshman bible study.

I don't know if I've ever personally related to a film like that before.

It's incredible, and I totally recommend you watch it.

So.

 I stutter.

Stuttering is kinda a mystery.

No one really knows what causes it or how exactly to fix it.

There are techniques you can employ that can help yourself get through it,

but there's no permanent fix.

Personally, my stuttering has gotten a lot better.

Before, I struggled with three to four different "types" of stutters, 

but now it's down to one.

They're called blocks.

It's when no sound comes out and you're just kinda stuck.

The word's there, right on the tip of my tongue, but it just won't come out.

And like I said earlier, there are techniques that you can try to get around a block,

but they've never really seemed to work for me.

So I revert to one of three methods.

I either completely change my sentence,

 I rely on someone else to say the word for me,

or I just give up completely and say I forgot.

Honestly, in the grand schemes of life, it's not that big of a deal.

I'm still a functioning member of society.

To some degree at least.

Most of the time I know which word I'm gonna get caught up on before I even start the sentence,

(I have no idea how I know that before I even try the word, but I do)

and I can usually save myself before then.

But it's been really frustrating lately. 

I struggle with certain names.

Like Becky.

It's such a simple name, but half the time it just doesn't come out of my mouth.

So half the time I refer to her as "What's her face" and hope the person knows who I'm talking about.

(Sorry Becky)

I can hardly tell a solid joke anymore.

I get stuck on the word and completely mess up the comedic timing and the joke completely falls flat.

I'm honestly afraid to just talk to girls, as pathetic as that sounds.

Now once I'm comfortable around you, it'll disappear to some degree.

If I'm calm, and relaxed, I'm usually pretty okay.

But it's a totally different story if I'm stressed or nervous. 

I can't say the word syllabus for the life of me.

I can't say blood sugar which is a big problem when trying to explain 

to my teacher why I need to just sit and eat.

I even stutter over the word stutter.

Which is just ironic and a huge frustration when I'm trying to explain myself.

All this to say,

please just be patient with me.

I'll eventually catch up with myself.