Pretending To Live.

Let's start with a song.

"'Cause you've found a way to go on for days, 

pretending to live.
But you are not ok, with all of that weight, 

you need to give up

Come now just let it go, 

let it fall down, let it all flow like
The water that's rushing in over your soul 'til there's nothing left
Won't you come to me and rest?"

"Rest"
by Nevertheless

Yeah it sucks.

I've talked about it all before.
The distance. The dreams. The days left.

Add to that the pressure of

senior year, graduation, college.

It's a lot.

Sometimes too much.

But I'm not here to write about that.


Not this time.

I was pointed to this verse by a great friend of mine a couple days ago.

Proverbs 17:22
"A joyful heart is good medicine,
    but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

And a couple days ago, I took a mental shift.

And y'all.

 

I have so much to be joyful for.

 

I get to have the greatest friends in the world.
I get the ability to dream, to have crazy ambitions.
I get to spend the next 215 days in eager anticipation.
I get to take some of the craziest classes my senior year.
I get to graduate from one of the best schools out there.
I get to go college.
 

Sure.
There are times to be sad,
Times where it's too much.

Times where I wish I could visit my people.

But there are times to be joyful.
Times where I'm beyond happy.
Times where I can't WAIT to see my people.

 

What do I need to keep on pretending to live?

Joy.

 And I think I've found it.

You Dream.

What do you do when you miss someone more than words.

You dream.

 

Dream of staying up late at night talking about anything.

Talking about everything.
Just..... talking.

Face to face.

Dream of sitting around a fire

during the cold winter months.

Sharing junk food and Dr Pepper.

Dream of spending a day together.

Doing whatever comes to mind.

Doing it together.

Dream of taking a drive to the middle of nowhere.

Blasting music from a playlist of songs

that you both know by heart.

Dream of taking a hike in the mountains.

To a spot perfectly created for a picnic.

You dream of being together.

"I - I know it's all inside my head
I know i'm just like everyone said
That I'm as stable in my mind
As a burning house with time
But for the record you reminded me
Reminded me I'm not here alone
You took my hand before you took me home
And the shivers down my spine
Were like frozen frames in time
Out of a corner in my mind

 But I'm a monster of affection
And you're my beautiful addiction
So lie to me and tell me how
I'm okay, it's just for now
It's just for now"

So I'll keep dreaming.
But just for now.

The Distance Is Worth It.

7 hours, 31 minutes, 460 miles.

Perry, GA

7 hours, 54 minutes, 465 miles.

Magnolia, TX

14 hours, 56 minutes, 996 miles.

Leesburg, VA

23 hours, 17 minutes, 1,516 miles.

 South Burlington, VT.

28 hours, 1,881 miles.

Ventura, CA

30 hours, 2,058 miles.

Modesto, CA

...

One thing invades my mind when I read these numbers.

Despair.

I'd never done the research till today. 

I was curious.

"Maybe..."
I let myself succumb to that dreadful thought. 

I've brought up this subject before.

And I've beat this subject over the head multiple times.

But it's something that continues to rear it's ugly head.

And I just can't find a cure.

But I came to realize something recently.

I'm a pretty lucky guy.

Lucky enough to have friends that are worth the distance.

If they weren't worth it, I wouldn't put myself through this.
I'd just say,

"It's too much. I'll let them go and feel better."

But that's not the case.



I'm lucky enough to say I have friends who

live all around the world.

I'm lucky enough to say that I have friends who

I can talk to.

I'm lucky enough to say I have friends who

I care about.



And for that, I'm willing to put up with the distance.
For that, I'm willing to take a day and wallow in that despair.
For that, I'm willing to accept that there isn't a cure.

 Thanks guys.

Thanks for making the distance worth it.



"I meant what I said and I said what I meant.
A friend is faithful, one-hundred percent."
Dr. Seuss