Judging a Film Within its Context: Avengers Infinity War

           

 

              I was 14 when Captain America: The First Avenger first came to theaters. It was one of the first films that I remember getting super excited about seeing in the theater. (For most of my childhood, I hated the theater; sorry mom and dad.) So excited in fact, that I made my very own Captain America shield out of cardboard and duct tape. I remember being completely exhilarated and unashamed, as a cute girl asked for a picture with me, or the manager of the movie theater walking by and complimenting my efforts and hoping that I enjoyed the film.

                I’ve grown up with the Avengers. The first Iron Man came out when I was 11 years old. I’m 21 now, so for all intents and purposes that’s half my lifetime. They started coming out right when I started to really get into movies. The First Avenger really gave me my first look into a movie that had ideas of morality and right and wrong that I as a kid could understand and digest.

                Here I am, 7 years later, a little older, a little wiser, and a few different Avengers movies sitting on my movie shelf to my right. My movie taste has grown with me. I’ve started to go past surface level and really dig deep into what makes a movie great. No longer am I purely enraptured by the action or seeing my favorite superhero on screen, but I’m entranced by good story telling.

                Good storytelling. 19 different movies, different stories, are now part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Each movie interconnected with the next and each movie pushes the narrative of the universe as a whole. That’s unprecedented in film history.

                That leaves me with a bit of a problem. Avengers: Infinity War is the culmination of 10 years of film. It’s impossible to judge it based on just the film itself, and there’s a large part of me that think it needs to be. It needs to be judged as a singular entity, just like every other movie out there. I want to treat it like I would La La Land, or Get Out, or Mad Max: Fury Road. I want to think through it and review like I would any other film that I go see in the theater.

                But here’s the thing: context matters. Every film is surrounded by outside context. Would Get Out have been so successful and so incredible if it didn’t come out when it did? Even Fury Road has context, desire it being a removed sequel, being released during 2015 during a resurgence of the feminist movement. Outside influences will always affect how we view films. That can be socially or personally. La La Land doesn’t affect everyone like it affects me, sadly.
                Any movie I’ve ever seen won’t be judged purely on its own merits. There will always be outside contexts that will affect how I view a film.

                This leads me back to Avengers: Infinity War. The fact remains, that it is the culmination of 10 years, 19 different films. It’s not fair to judge it out of that context, just like it would be unfair to Get Out to judge it out of its context. Whether or not you’re tired of the context is a different story altogether, but Infinity War needs to be seen as the end game of the MCU. It’s unfair to it to be seen as anything else.

                So I’ll be there at 7 PM, my butt in the theater, incredibly excited for the end of this chapter. There will be plenty of laughing, plenty of shocked expressions, and plenty of tears I’m sure. (There will be open weeping if Cap dies.) I’m going to go and enjoy this movie for what it is: the culmination of my childhood.

The Heart of an Android: The Internal Theme of Blade Runner 2049

           I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Blade Runner since I saw it last. I want to see it, three maybe four more times before it leaves theater. This kind of movie that leaves me thinking through all it has to say about the world doesn’t come around very often. While thinking through this film on one of my drives home from work, I think I found something really special buried within the hard outer shell of Blade Runner 2049.

Much like the original Blade Runner, this film deals with the question, “what does it mean to be human?” There’s a lot of different ways this movie attempts to answer this question. Maybe it’s the concept of having a soul, or maybe it’s the ability to have offspring. Maybe that is what the film is trying to get at, that in order to be human we procreate, or have a soul. But while that maybe this film’s answer to its own question, it doesn’t satisfy my desire for a deeper answer to such a profound question.

Before I go on, I implore you to go watch this movie, then come back and read what I have to say. There are spoilers aplenty ahead.

So here it is, here is the answer Blade Runner 2049 gives to its big and overbearing question.

Love.

That’s right, and not just any love, sacrificial love.

Cheesy, yes. But don’t click out of the article yet, hear me out. I think there’s a compelling case here that I’m going to attempt to lay out for you.

The movie operates around three key relationships, or lack thereof: K and Joi, K and Deckard, and Deckard and his daughter.

One of the aspects of this film that I found most compelling was K and Joi’s relationship. Joi is essentially a holographic girlfriend. Much like K and the rest of the replicant’s we aren’t necessarily sure how she works. We know she’s a projector, but there’s some degree of facial, expression mapping. She scrolls through dresses and gauges K’s reaction accordingly. All the way through her arc I remember thinking to myself how interesting this dynamic of the degrees of artificiality is. But after getting home and thinking through it some more, the more I realize that that relationship is really messed up. Essentially the slave has a slave.

But then we get this beautiful moment, when K downloads her into the emanator and takes her outside for the first time. K walks out onto the roof while it’s pouring rain, and Joi follows suit. As the rain falls through her holographic image, she pauses, and watches her hand and she adjusts to the rain, and essentially mapping it to her skin. This moment is key, Joi is essentially adjusting to her new reality. Who she is has inherently changed and the movie takes time to show this. We’ll come back to this later.

Then we get this key moment when Luv steps on the imitator and essentially kills Joi. The music swells and she says “I love y….” And dies. I find people’s reaction to this fascinating. Most people I talked too, didn’t feel much at all. Even me, only felt a tinge of sadness during this moment. None of the audience views this relationship as having real love. Even K, in the back of his mind, knows it too. Yet he desperately wants it to be true.

One of the questions of the movie is K trying to figure out what it really means to be human. I believe he is trying to answer that question through Joi. Everything around him is making him aware he’s not human. His boss, his coworkers, his housemates. Once he gets home, it’s his opportunity to play house essentially. He comes home to something he can control, to some sense of what he feels like is normal. That’s essentially K and Joi’s relationship.

This brings us to the next key moment of the film, when K believes that he is the kid he’s been looking for. Think about how world crushing that would be. To believe that you were essentially a robot your entire existence, and then suddenly be told that you were human? You had a mother and father? Think about how soul crushing that would be.

And again, the movie pauses and gives us a moment to reflect on this. K stands out in the snow, holds out his hand, and watches the snowflakes softly land on his hand. A callback to Joi’s moment earlier in the film, this is K adjusting to his new reality. This reality that he believes makes him human.

Then we get K and Deckard’s relationship. Here I think is where he learns what it truly means to be human. At this point, K still believes he is Deckard’s son, so he confronts him about leaving. He’s hostile about it, as anyone would be. Deckard finally breaks and says to K, “Sometimes to love someone, you have to be a stranger.”

In order for his child to have a life, Deckard had to give up his relationship with his child. To protect his child, he couldn’t ever speak to her. He couldn’t watch her grow up. His child would never know who he was, and he did that out of love. He sacrificed whatever desire he had at being a father, for the life of his child.

The end of the film, K takes Deckard to see his daughter. They both exit his vehicle and walk to the steps, covered in snow. Deckard asks if he’s alright, K nods, and Deckard leaves him to go inside.

Once again, the movie pauses. K slowly sits on the steps holds his hand out and watches the snowflakes land on his hand. Here I think he realizes what true love really is. He sacrificed his life for Deckard and his daughter. All he wanted all along was to be loved. Every billboard we see of Joi tells us two things, “Everything you want to see and hear.” Throughout the film, she tells him how happy she is with him and that she loves him. He longs for it, even if he knows that relationship isn’t real.

K’s new reality is that he now knows that true love means sacrifice.

Finally Deckard walks into the building, only to find his daughter holding out her hand in the middle of a snowstorm. The movie gives us a close up shot of her hand before she turns to him and gives the last line of film.

“Isn’t it beautiful?”

Why I'm tired all the time. (i.e. my struggle with depression)

I'd like to start by acknowledging the fact that I'm prone to the dramatic.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm very hyperbolic.

I exaggerate all the time and I'm prone to romanticize things.



That being said.

I don't think I'm doing so here.

I'm going to try and spell out sort of what I deal with on a day to day basis.

I've been wanting to write about this for a long time now but never felt like I could put it into words.

You know that feeling when you try to get out of bed,

but you were up later than you should have,

and you're waking up way earlier than you should be.

How you have to gather that energy and strength to roll out of bed and start your day?

Just imagine that feeling and apply it to every choice or decision I have to make.

Every time I have to do something it's the same deal.

I'd much rather sit where I was.

Most likely curled up in a blanket. 

Hopefully curled up in my bed.

And I'd rather do that than anything else. 

I'm constantly having to exert more energy than is necessary to do simple tasks.

I feel like I do most things purely out of survival.

If it's going to affect me in a very negative way, I can muster the energy to get it done.

But if it doesn't require my immediate attention, and I'm not going to suffer in the now, it's probably not gonna get done.

This is why the handle on the trunk of my car has been broken for well over a year, even though I bought the part.

My brain's a dark place.

Left alone and I freak myself out.

So I'm constantly distracting myself.

I also feel like that's a big reason why I love film and media in general.

For two hours I can exist outside of myself.

My brain is fully occupied with the world the movie presents.

I get to leave my negative head, and go live elsewhere.

I also realized why this is so dangerous.

The only thing that makes this better is taking charge of it.

Doing better with schedules. 

Thinking about the future instead of the now.

But that requires energy.

Energy that I don't have.

Energy that I already covet.

And after reading this over and over again, I think it's time I go back to counseling.

I don't think this is right, and I don't think this is how it should be.

and that's the most positive way I can think to end this.

Dear RUF: Part 2

Dear RUF,

I wrote one of these last year, and I promise I didn't intend this to be a series, but I really enjoyed writing it last year so I figured I'd do it again. It's a really great time of self reflection and realizing how Jesus is continually working in and through my life.

Let's talk about Summer Conference for a second. For those of you who don't know, Summer Conference, or as the cool kids call it 'SuCo', is a week long retreat at the beach, filled with awesome seminars and an awesome time at the beach. I know it's kind of a joke to say, "come to SuCo, it'll change your life," but I'd like to put forth the idea that that's true. A year ago I went to the 'Depression and Anxiety' and 'Counseling' 2 day seminars, and today I'm sitting here writing to you currently in counseling and taking medication for my anxiety.

I can draw a direct line from that first summer conference to the fact that I'm sitting here writing this. That to me, is awesome. Not the hyperbolic awesome, but the real, true awesome. I am so incredibly thankful for that week and the grace God has shown me through it. So thank you to Sammy Rhodes, Lee Wright, and the entire RUF crew that makes Summer Conference happen. It's much more than a week at the beach. God's doing great work, please don't forget that.

Another big thing for me this last year has been a shift in my view of dating, specifically the aspect of singleness. Our first semester topic this year was Dating and Relationships, and goodness me I'm so thankful for it. I can't tell you how many nights me and my roommates stayed up talking about the ideas surrounding dating and sex and marriage that were presented to us.

Anyways.

Talking to my friends about this, we kind of came to the conclusion that that the church doesn't do a good job of approaching the topic of singlness. There's a lot of pressure in the church, and even in my family *cough mom and dad ;)* to get married, and to get married fast. That leads to a lot of stress, and to a guy who falls really hard and really fast for people, that's a lot of unnecessary pressure on just dating in general.

I love this quote from Barry Danylak about the goodness that both singleness and marriage bring, from his book 'Redeeming Singleness', saying, "Christian marriage is a testimony of the utterly faithful and unchanging love of God for his people in a permanent covenant relationship with him; Christian singleness is a testimony to the complete sufficiency of Christ for the present age and gives visible witness to the hope of our eternal inheritance yet to come."

I remember talking to Mattdawg, our now former intern, about the singleness seminar. He told me that going to the seminar gave him the confidence to ask his now fiance/wife (depending on when you read this, they're getting married Saturday eeep!!) on a date, and now I totally understand why. Being single is OKAY. There's just as much grace in singleness than there is in dating or marriage, and there is so much freedom in that.

Speaking of freedom, I think I really and truly understand what the gospel means. That even though I'm going to mess up, and mess up a lot, there is still enough grace for me. That my Father not only loves me, but wants to love me. There's a lot of freedom in that y'all. Sanctification really is a process of realizing how messed up I am, and inversely how much Jesus loves me.

Like I said earlier, that's awesome. Not hyperbolic awesome, but really and truly awesome.

I don't really know how to end this. So thanks for reading. If you're a senior about to head to college and want to know more about RUF, I'd love to talk to you about it. If you're one of my many friends here at State or across the country, I love you guys. Thanks for continuing to love and support me. If you're mom or dad, maybe we have some stuff to talk about ;) If you're part of RUF in any way, thank you for the impact you've had on my life. Thank you, really and truly.

Keep chasing Him,

Collin

To My Roommates

Living with these three guys has taught me a lot.

First things first: I'm not as great as I think I am.

Sharing a house with three guys has really shown me my insecurity.

I'm always trying to prove myself.

Always trying to be the "man of the house."

Always trying to be better than the others.

My identity isn't secure in Christ, 

instead it's wrapped up in what other people think of me.

Second thing: I'm beyond lazy.

I don't do the best job of cleaning up.

I mean, if nessecary I will.

Thank goodness we have Freshmen Movie Night at our house on tuesdays,

or this house would never get cleaned.

But I'll always leave wrappers on the couch, or laundry on my floor. 

Let's not even mention my car.

Main thing, I'm too much of a slob.

Third thing: I need people who are excited with me.

Big thing I've realized is that having roommates is just a small taste of marriage.

I chose to live with these three guys, 

and with that comes learning how to operate around each other.

With that in mind, another thing living with these guys has taught me,

is that I really need to marry someone who loves the same things I do.

Or at the very least, loves to see me excited about those things.

  

This isn't me throwing shade.

They're allowed to love their own things, and not to love mine.

 But sometimes it's just super draining.

I'm a super passionate person, and when I love something,

I really love it.

And when I'm really passionate about something, I love to talk about.

I love to discuss it. Love to dive in deep as to why I love it. 

I just... don't really feel like I can do that with them.

But.

I think they've also shown me a glimpse of God's grace.

I mean. They haven't kicked me out yet, have they?

There's a lot of love in my heart for these guys.

There's so many laughs, and wonderful experiences, and incredible things

 that living with these guys has brought me.

And man, I'm unbelievably thankful for them.

Even if they eat my leftovers, or get in my bed without asking,

or even purposefully screwing me over in Super Smash,

there's still so much love for each of them.

You guys have shown me what living for Christ should look like.

You put up with my insecurity,

you tolerate my laziness,

you'll even let me show you that incredible GoPro Lion video.

You even help me work with and around my anxiety.

You've shown me His love and grace and I consider myself incredibly blessed.

 So thanks guys.

Here's to a few more semesters, I hope.

Faking Hero

Part 2.

The problem with putting down this mask that I've put on,

is that I always wanted to wear the mask in the first place.

I sit here and think,

"Collin, you strive to be the hero. You strive to be the bigger man.

You strive to be the good guy."

I hate that I'm angry.

Hero's aren't angry.

The worst part about it all, is that I don't feel like I have anything to be angry about.

How am I to expect a city to respond to me?

I have no control over it.

Gotham is Gotham.

And Gotham thinks and feels whatever Gotham wants too.

How can I be angry at its subjective choice?

There's no objective right or wrong here.

So why am I so angry that Gotham hasn't chosen me to be its hero?

Because I feel entitled.

I've done so much for this city, that I feel that I deserve to be the one it looks up to.

To love me as much as I love it.

I want to be Gotham's one and only hero.

And for that reason,

Gotham doesn't deserve me.

Playing Hero

Part 1.

I'm tired of playing the hero.

I feel like Batman.

His ever recurring struggle to keep Gotham safe.

No matter what he does,

there's always another villain,

always another code red.

There's never any rest.

I'm tired of watching out for Gotham, when Gotham doesn't watch out for me.

I'm right there right now.

I feel battered and bruised.

I feel sick, and I feel tired, and I'm angry.

For the first time, I'm angry.

For the first time in my relationship with this city I love,

I'm angry at it.

It never responds to anything I do.

It feels cold, and dark, and distant.

I can't win.

No matter how hard I try,

no matter how many villains I lock away,

no matter how many times I tell myself I'm doing this for the right reasons,

no matter how many times I power through,

it won't fix the heart of the problem.

The heart of the problem is this.

I'm in love with a city that doesn't love me back.

And I'm tired of playing its hero.