Why I'm tired all the time. (i.e. my struggle with depression)

I'd like to start by acknowledging the fact that I'm prone to the dramatic.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm very hyperbolic.

I exaggerate all the time and I'm prone to romanticize things.



That being said.

I don't think I'm doing so here.

I'm going to try and spell out sort of what I deal with on a day to day basis.

I've been wanting to write about this for a long time now but never felt like I could put it into words.

You know that feeling when you try to get out of bed,

but you were up later than you should have,

and you're waking up way earlier than you should be.

How you have to gather that energy and strength to roll out of bed and start your day?

Just imagine that feeling and apply it to every choice or decision I have to make.

Every time I have to do something it's the same deal.

I'd much rather sit where I was.

Most likely curled up in a blanket. 

Hopefully curled up in my bed.

And I'd rather do that than anything else. 

I'm constantly having to exert more energy than is necessary to do simple tasks.

I feel like I do most things purely out of survival.

If it's going to affect me in a very negative way, I can muster the energy to get it done.

But if it doesn't require my immediate attention, and I'm not going to suffer in the now, it's probably not gonna get done.

This is why the handle on the trunk of my car has been broken for well over a year, even though I bought the part.

My brain's a dark place.

Left alone and I freak myself out.

So I'm constantly distracting myself.

I also feel like that's a big reason why I love film and media in general.

For two hours I can exist outside of myself.

My brain is fully occupied with the world the movie presents.

I get to leave my negative head, and go live elsewhere.

I also realized why this is so dangerous.

The only thing that makes this better is taking charge of it.

Doing better with schedules. 

Thinking about the future instead of the now.

But that requires energy.

Energy that I don't have.

Energy that I already covet.

And after reading this over and over again, I think it's time I go back to counseling.

I don't think this is right, and I don't think this is how it should be.

and that's the most positive way I can think to end this.

Dear RUF: Part 2

Dear RUF,

I wrote one of these last year, and I promise I didn't intend this to be a series, but I really enjoyed writing it last year so I figured I'd do it again. It's a really great time of self reflection and realizing how Jesus is continually working in and through my life.

Let's talk about Summer Conference for a second. For those of you who don't know, Summer Conference, or as the cool kids call it 'SuCo', is a week long retreat at the beach, filled with awesome seminars and an awesome time at the beach. I know it's kind of a joke to say, "come to SuCo, it'll change your life," but I'd like to put forth the idea that that's true. A year ago I went to the 'Depression and Anxiety' and 'Counseling' 2 day seminars, and today I'm sitting here writing to you currently in counseling and taking medication for my anxiety.

I can draw a direct line from that first summer conference to the fact that I'm sitting here writing this. That to me, is awesome. Not the hyperbolic awesome, but the real, true awesome. I am so incredibly thankful for that week and the grace God has shown me through it. So thank you to Sammy Rhodes, Lee Wright, and the entire RUF crew that makes Summer Conference happen. It's much more than a week at the beach. God's doing great work, please don't forget that.

Another big thing for me this last year has been a shift in my view of dating, specifically the aspect of singleness. Our first semester topic this year was Dating and Relationships, and goodness me I'm so thankful for it. I can't tell you how many nights me and my roommates stayed up talking about the ideas surrounding dating and sex and marriage that were presented to us.

Anyways.

Talking to my friends about this, we kind of came to the conclusion that that the church doesn't do a good job of approaching the topic of singlness. There's a lot of pressure in the church, and even in my family *cough mom and dad ;)* to get married, and to get married fast. That leads to a lot of stress, and to a guy who falls really hard and really fast for people, that's a lot of unnecessary pressure on just dating in general.

I love this quote from Barry Danylak about the goodness that both singleness and marriage bring, from his book 'Redeeming Singleness', saying, "Christian marriage is a testimony of the utterly faithful and unchanging love of God for his people in a permanent covenant relationship with him; Christian singleness is a testimony to the complete sufficiency of Christ for the present age and gives visible witness to the hope of our eternal inheritance yet to come."

I remember talking to Mattdawg, our now former intern, about the singleness seminar. He told me that going to the seminar gave him the confidence to ask his now fiance/wife (depending on when you read this, they're getting married Saturday eeep!!) on a date, and now I totally understand why. Being single is OKAY. There's just as much grace in singleness than there is in dating or marriage, and there is so much freedom in that.

Speaking of freedom, I think I really and truly understand what the gospel means. That even though I'm going to mess up, and mess up a lot, there is still enough grace for me. That my Father not only loves me, but wants to love me. There's a lot of freedom in that y'all. Sanctification really is a process of realizing how messed up I am, and inversely how much Jesus loves me.

Like I said earlier, that's awesome. Not hyperbolic awesome, but really and truly awesome.

I don't really know how to end this. So thanks for reading. If you're a senior about to head to college and want to know more about RUF, I'd love to talk to you about it. If you're one of my many friends here at State or across the country, I love you guys. Thanks for continuing to love and support me. If you're mom or dad, maybe we have some stuff to talk about ;) If you're part of RUF in any way, thank you for the impact you've had on my life. Thank you, really and truly.

Keep chasing Him,

Collin

To My Roommates

Living with these three guys has taught me a lot.

First things first: I'm not as great as I think I am.

Sharing a house with three guys has really shown me my insecurity.

I'm always trying to prove myself.

Always trying to be the "man of the house."

Always trying to be better than the others.

My identity isn't secure in Christ, 

instead it's wrapped up in what other people think of me.

Second thing: I'm beyond lazy.

I don't do the best job of cleaning up.

I mean, if nessecary I will.

Thank goodness we have Freshmen Movie Night at our house on tuesdays,

or this house would never get cleaned.

But I'll always leave wrappers on the couch, or laundry on my floor. 

Let's not even mention my car.

Main thing, I'm too much of a slob.

Third thing: I need people who are excited with me.

Big thing I've realized is that having roommates is just a small taste of marriage.

I chose to live with these three guys, 

and with that comes learning how to operate around each other.

With that in mind, another thing living with these guys has taught me,

is that I really need to marry someone who loves the same things I do.

Or at the very least, loves to see me excited about those things.

  

This isn't me throwing shade.

They're allowed to love their own things, and not to love mine.

 But sometimes it's just super draining.

I'm a super passionate person, and when I love something,

I really love it.

And when I'm really passionate about something, I love to talk about.

I love to discuss it. Love to dive in deep as to why I love it. 

I just... don't really feel like I can do that with them.

But.

I think they've also shown me a glimpse of God's grace.

I mean. They haven't kicked me out yet, have they?

There's a lot of love in my heart for these guys.

There's so many laughs, and wonderful experiences, and incredible things

 that living with these guys has brought me.

And man, I'm unbelievably thankful for them.

Even if they eat my leftovers, or get in my bed without asking,

or even purposefully screwing me over in Super Smash,

there's still so much love for each of them.

You guys have shown me what living for Christ should look like.

You put up with my insecurity,

you tolerate my laziness,

you'll even let me show you that incredible GoPro Lion video.

You even help me work with and around my anxiety.

You've shown me His love and grace and I consider myself incredibly blessed.

 So thanks guys.

Here's to a few more semesters, I hope.

Faking Hero

Part 2.

The problem with putting down this mask that I've put on,

is that I always wanted to wear the mask in the first place.

I sit here and think,

"Collin, you strive to be the hero. You strive to be the bigger man.

You strive to be the good guy."

I hate that I'm angry.

Hero's aren't angry.

The worst part about it all, is that I don't feel like I have anything to be angry about.

How am I to expect a city to respond to me?

I have no control over it.

Gotham is Gotham.

And Gotham thinks and feels whatever Gotham wants too.

How can I be angry at its subjective choice?

There's no objective right or wrong here.

So why am I so angry that Gotham hasn't chosen me to be its hero?

Because I feel entitled.

I've done so much for this city, that I feel that I deserve to be the one it looks up to.

To love me as much as I love it.

I want to be Gotham's one and only hero.

And for that reason,

Gotham doesn't deserve me.

Playing Hero

Part 1.

I'm tired of playing the hero.

I feel like Batman.

His ever recurring struggle to keep Gotham safe.

No matter what he does,

there's always another villain,

always another code red.

There's never any rest.

I'm tired of watching out for Gotham, when Gotham doesn't watch out for me.

I'm right there right now.

I feel battered and bruised.

I feel sick, and I feel tired, and I'm angry.

For the first time, I'm angry.

For the first time in my relationship with this city I love,

I'm angry at it.

It never responds to anything I do.

It feels cold, and dark, and distant.

I can't win.

No matter how hard I try,

no matter how many villains I lock away,

no matter how many times I tell myself I'm doing this for the right reasons,

no matter how many times I power through,

it won't fix the heart of the problem.

The heart of the problem is this.

I'm in love with a city that doesn't love me back.

And I'm tired of playing its hero.

Music and HARDLOVE

Let's talk about music for a second.

I think music is one of the most powerful forms of art we interact with.

It's an instant mood changer. From good to bad, or bad to good. 

Maybe from good to great, or bad to worse.

For me, the biggest part of that, that change factor are the lyrics.

What sets a song that I love apart from one that I just like to dance too are those lyrics.

It used to be purely musical.

If it had a good beat and was fun to sing, I was all about it.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few guilty pleasure pop songs that I love to jam too.

But my favorite songs, and consequently my favorite bands, are those who can combine really solid storytelling and good music.

All that being said.

Needtobreathe dropped a new album today that I've had on repeat all day.

 I love it musically. Classic Needtobreathe with a great new sound.

It's incredibly fun.

But lyrically?

I find it equally as satisfying.

I decided to sit through the album and share some of my favorite lyric:

 

"It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love"

"But everybody's got a price, I guess
It's even lower than you think it is"

"I got dreams that keep me up in the dead of night
Telling me I wasn't made for the simple life"

"I know you found the promise land
But I'm still here and I'm missing you"

"But we don't get to be here long"

"Into the wild, canyons of youth
Oh, there's a world to fall into
We just will dance like kids on the moon
Oh, I will give myself to you
As soon as you start to let go"

"Give me your heart, give me your song
Sing it with all your might
Come to the fountain and you can be satisfied"

"You're the steady hands of a ticking clock that I'll come to rely on"

"I promise I won't let you down
Honey, it's so clear now"

For His Tears Were Bigger Than My Own

"'But please, please - won't you - can't you give me something that will cure my mother?'

Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet 

and the huge claws on them;

now, in his despair, he looked up at its face.

What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life.

For the tawny face was bent down near his own

 and great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes.

They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt

 as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his mother than he was himself."

Through a very emotional three days, there's almost nothing better than reading.

Or watching a movie.

I've done both.

There's a scene at the very end of the movie "Steve Jobs."

(Which I've firmly cemented as one of my top five favorite films ever.)

This scene is between Steve and his daughter Lisa, who have had an awful relationship since the very beginning.

Lisa approaches him and asks him straight to his face,

"Why'd you say you weren't my father?"

Steve just stands there and answers,

"Because I'm poorly made."

Because I'm poorly made.

As much as I love that scene and that line, the statement itself is backwards.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.

But at the same time, we're fallen.

And we live in a fallen world.

So here I am after an emotional three days,

full of remembrance, and regret, and self loathing.

Crying to myself because it hurt, and because it still hurts.

But reminded of His grace, and mercy, and love.

Reminded that through Him, I am free to weep, and to be sad.

Reminded that, even for a moment, His tears are bigger than my own.