Faking Hero

Part 2.

The problem with putting down this mask that I've put on,

is that I always wanted to wear the mask in the first place.

I sit here and think,

"Collin, you strive to be the hero. You strive to be the bigger man.

You strive to be the good guy."

I hate that I'm angry.

Hero's aren't angry.

The worst part about it all, is that I don't feel like I have anything to be angry about.

How am I to expect a city to respond to me?

I have no control over it.

Gotham is Gotham.

And Gotham thinks and feels whatever Gotham wants too.

How can I be angry at its subjective choice?

There's no objective right or wrong here.

So why am I so angry that Gotham hasn't chosen me to be its hero?

Because I feel entitled.

I've done so much for this city, that I feel that I deserve to be the one it looks up to.

To love me as much as I love it.

I want to be Gotham's one and only hero.

And for that reason,

Gotham doesn't deserve me.

Playing Hero

Part 1.

I'm tired of playing the hero.

I feel like Batman.

His ever recurring struggle to keep Gotham safe.

No matter what he does,

there's always another villain,

always another code red.

There's never any rest.

I'm tired of watching out for Gotham, when Gotham doesn't watch out for me.

I'm right there right now.

I feel battered and bruised.

I feel sick, and I feel tired, and I'm angry.

For the first time, I'm angry.

For the first time in my relationship with this city I love,

I'm angry at it.

It never responds to anything I do.

It feels cold, and dark, and distant.

I can't win.

No matter how hard I try,

no matter how many villains I lock away,

no matter how many times I tell myself I'm doing this for the right reasons,

no matter how many times I power through,

it won't fix the heart of the problem.

The heart of the problem is this.

I'm in love with a city that doesn't love me back.

And I'm tired of playing its hero.

Music and HARDLOVE

Let's talk about music for a second.

I think music is one of the most powerful forms of art we interact with.

It's an instant mood changer. From good to bad, or bad to good. 

Maybe from good to great, or bad to worse.

For me, the biggest part of that, that change factor are the lyrics.

What sets a song that I love apart from one that I just like to dance too are those lyrics.

It used to be purely musical.

If it had a good beat and was fun to sing, I was all about it.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few guilty pleasure pop songs that I love to jam too.

But my favorite songs, and consequently my favorite bands, are those who can combine really solid storytelling and good music.

All that being said.

Needtobreathe dropped a new album today that I've had on repeat all day.

 I love it musically. Classic Needtobreathe with a great new sound.

It's incredibly fun.

But lyrically?

I find it equally as satisfying.

I decided to sit through the album and share some of my favorite lyric:

 

"It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love"

"But everybody's got a price, I guess
It's even lower than you think it is"

"I got dreams that keep me up in the dead of night
Telling me I wasn't made for the simple life"

"I know you found the promise land
But I'm still here and I'm missing you"

"But we don't get to be here long"

"Into the wild, canyons of youth
Oh, there's a world to fall into
We just will dance like kids on the moon
Oh, I will give myself to you
As soon as you start to let go"

"Give me your heart, give me your song
Sing it with all your might
Come to the fountain and you can be satisfied"

"You're the steady hands of a ticking clock that I'll come to rely on"

"I promise I won't let you down
Honey, it's so clear now"

For His Tears Were Bigger Than My Own

"'But please, please - won't you - can't you give me something that will cure my mother?'

Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet 

and the huge claws on them;

now, in his despair, he looked up at its face.

What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life.

For the tawny face was bent down near his own

 and great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes.

They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt

 as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his mother than he was himself."

Through a very emotional three days, there's almost nothing better than reading.

Or watching a movie.

I've done both.

There's a scene at the very end of the movie "Steve Jobs."

(Which I've firmly cemented as one of my top five favorite films ever.)

This scene is between Steve and his daughter Lisa, who have had an awful relationship since the very beginning.

Lisa approaches him and asks him straight to his face,

"Why'd you say you weren't my father?"

Steve just stands there and answers,

"Because I'm poorly made."

Because I'm poorly made.

As much as I love that scene and that line, the statement itself is backwards.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.

But at the same time, we're fallen.

And we live in a fallen world.

So here I am after an emotional three days,

full of remembrance, and regret, and self loathing.

Crying to myself because it hurt, and because it still hurts.

But reminded of His grace, and mercy, and love.

Reminded that through Him, I am free to weep, and to be sad.

Reminded that, even for a moment, His tears are bigger than my own.

Dear RUF,

Where to even begin.

I guess I'll just start with a huge thank you. You've given me some of the greatest friends a guy could ask for, and I never would have met them if it wasn't for RUF. You've always been a highlight of my week, and something I always look forward too no matter what.

To the Band - Thank you! You guys rock. Music might be my favorite part of RUF, and y'all have done an incredible job all semester. Thanks for pointing us to Jesus with each and every song, I appreciate it more than you know, trust me.

Thank you Caroline, for all that you do. I really wish I could have gotten to know you a little better this semester, I feel like I kinda missed out a little bit. But, having said that, I think it's a huge deal to be able to see the impact you've had on these girls at RUF. They love you and they're really gonna miss you. Thanks you for loving on them.

Thank you Brian, for really showing me that I am loved no matter what I do, or who I am. For showing me that the creator of the universe loves me unconditionally. I know it's something I already believed somewhere in my heart, but you've made me see what that really looks like, and what that means in our daily lives. Thank you for all you've done so far and will continue to do.

Thank you Mathew, Matty, Matty-Ice, Roelofs, whatever your name is. You've been a constant encouragement this semester. You're always there when I need to talk to you about something, or just to hang out and play video games. That may seem like such a small thing, but trust me, it means a lot. You've been an incredible intern and I'm super excited to continue to hangout next semester. Keep being you, Matty.

To the rest of you weirdos who somehow decided to become friends with me, man, thank you guys. You've really made this semester incredibly enjoyable and I'm gonna miss you over the summer. Spending time with you in and outside of RUF has been an absolute delight. Thanks for making me feel loved and welcomed.

I think that's it. Year one of RUF is in the books. All I can tell you is that I look forward to being back next year and getting more involved with this program that has already changed me for the better, this program that I love.

Thank you.

Keep chasing Him,
Collin

Making the World Small

Right Now,

 

 I'm at my most creative.

 

I dive myself into art in order to block out this world that I don't want to exist right now.

 

 

This allows me to shine a light in any way I want.

 

I can highlight specifics aspects of a project,

 

I can focus on different ideas,

 

 

I can make 

 

the world 

 

small.

 

 

And when the world's small...

There and Back Again, and There Once More

I've been reminiscing on my trip to Italy and Greece this past week.

It's been a year to the day since I returned from those magical places.

And a year later I can confidently say that trip changed me.

It instilled in me a love for travel, a love for experiences,
a love for adventure.

I want to go everywhere now.

I want to go to explore the Red Woods in California.

I want to go learn to surf in Cape Town, South Africa

I just want to go roam around Scotland.

I want to go back.

I fell in love with the city of Rome.

Which is just a weird saying, I know.
I always thought it was strange when people said it to me,
but it's so true.

It's hard for me to explain it.

It's a longing to be back.

It's a sense of wanting more.

It's, quite simply, a sense of adventure.

I could have spent our whole trip just in Rome.

There's was much to explore and do and to experience.

And when it comes down to it,

I think that's what this trip instilled in me.

A sense of adventure.

A desire to go explore.

A deep want to have as many experiences as I can.

That's why some part of me wants to go skydiving.

Or swim in a shark cage.

Or ride an elephant.

I just want to do cool and amazing stuff.

This trip showed me what adventure feels like,
 and I'm slightly addicted.