Music and HARDLOVE

Let's talk about music for a second.

I think music is one of the most powerful forms of art we interact with.

It's an instant mood changer. From good to bad, or bad to good. 

Maybe from good to great, or bad to worse.

For me, the biggest part of that, that change factor are the lyrics.

What sets a song that I love apart from one that I just like to dance too are those lyrics.

It used to be purely musical.

If it had a good beat and was fun to sing, I was all about it.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few guilty pleasure pop songs that I love to jam too.

But my favorite songs, and consequently my favorite bands, are those who can combine really solid storytelling and good music.

All that being said.

Needtobreathe dropped a new album today that I've had on repeat all day.

 I love it musically. Classic Needtobreathe with a great new sound.

It's incredibly fun.

But lyrically?

I find it equally as satisfying.

I decided to sit through the album and share some of my favorite lyric:

 

"It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love"

"But everybody's got a price, I guess
It's even lower than you think it is"

"I got dreams that keep me up in the dead of night
Telling me I wasn't made for the simple life"

"I know you found the promise land
But I'm still here and I'm missing you"

"But we don't get to be here long"

"Into the wild, canyons of youth
Oh, there's a world to fall into
We just will dance like kids on the moon
Oh, I will give myself to you
As soon as you start to let go"

"Give me your heart, give me your song
Sing it with all your might
Come to the fountain and you can be satisfied"

"You're the steady hands of a ticking clock that I'll come to rely on"

"I promise I won't let you down
Honey, it's so clear now"

For His Tears Were Bigger Than My Own

"'But please, please - won't you - can't you give me something that will cure my mother?'

Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet 

and the huge claws on them;

now, in his despair, he looked up at its face.

What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life.

For the tawny face was bent down near his own

 and great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes.

They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt

 as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his mother than he was himself."

Through a very emotional three days, there's almost nothing better than reading.

Or watching a movie.

I've done both.

There's a scene at the very end of the movie "Steve Jobs."

(Which I've firmly cemented as one of my top five favorite films ever.)

This scene is between Steve and his daughter Lisa, who have had an awful relationship since the very beginning.

Lisa approaches him and asks him straight to his face,

"Why'd you say you weren't my father?"

Steve just stands there and answers,

"Because I'm poorly made."

Because I'm poorly made.

As much as I love that scene and that line, the statement itself is backwards.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.

But at the same time, we're fallen.

And we live in a fallen world.

So here I am after an emotional three days,

full of remembrance, and regret, and self loathing.

Crying to myself because it hurt, and because it still hurts.

But reminded of His grace, and mercy, and love.

Reminded that through Him, I am free to weep, and to be sad.

Reminded that, even for a moment, His tears are bigger than my own.

Dear RUF,

Where to even begin.

I guess I'll just start with a huge thank you. You've given me some of the greatest friends a guy could ask for, and I never would have met them if it wasn't for RUF. You've always been a highlight of my week, and something I always look forward too no matter what.

To the Band - Thank you! You guys rock. Music might be my favorite part of RUF, and y'all have done an incredible job all semester. Thanks for pointing us to Jesus with each and every song, I appreciate it more than you know, trust me.

Thank you Caroline, for all that you do. I really wish I could have gotten to know you a little better this semester, I feel like I kinda missed out a little bit. But, having said that, I think it's a huge deal to be able to see the impact you've had on these girls at RUF. They love you and they're really gonna miss you. Thanks you for loving on them.

Thank you Brian, for really showing me that I am loved no matter what I do, or who I am. For showing me that the creator of the universe loves me unconditionally. I know it's something I already believed somewhere in my heart, but you've made me see what that really looks like, and what that means in our daily lives. Thank you for all you've done so far and will continue to do.

Thank you Mathew, Matty, Matty-Ice, Roelofs, whatever your name is. You've been a constant encouragement this semester. You're always there when I need to talk to you about something, or just to hang out and play video games. That may seem like such a small thing, but trust me, it means a lot. You've been an incredible intern and I'm super excited to continue to hangout next semester. Keep being you, Matty.

To the rest of you weirdos who somehow decided to become friends with me, man, thank you guys. You've really made this semester incredibly enjoyable and I'm gonna miss you over the summer. Spending time with you in and outside of RUF has been an absolute delight. Thanks for making me feel loved and welcomed.

I think that's it. Year one of RUF is in the books. All I can tell you is that I look forward to being back next year and getting more involved with this program that has already changed me for the better, this program that I love.

Thank you.

Keep chasing Him,
Collin

Making the World Small

Right Now,

 

 I'm at my most creative.

 

I dive myself into art in order to block out this world that I don't want to exist right now.

 

 

This allows me to shine a light in any way I want.

 

I can highlight specifics aspects of a project,

 

I can focus on different ideas,

 

 

I can make 

 

the world 

 

small.

 

 

And when the world's small...

There and Back Again, and There Once More

I've been reminiscing on my trip to Italy and Greece this past week.

It's been a year to the day since I returned from those magical places.

And a year later I can confidently say that trip changed me.

It instilled in me a love for travel, a love for experiences,
a love for adventure.

I want to go everywhere now.

I want to go to explore the Red Woods in California.

I want to go learn to surf in Cape Town, South Africa

I just want to go roam around Scotland.

I want to go back.

I fell in love with the city of Rome.

Which is just a weird saying, I know.
I always thought it was strange when people said it to me,
but it's so true.

It's hard for me to explain it.

It's a longing to be back.

It's a sense of wanting more.

It's, quite simply, a sense of adventure.

I could have spent our whole trip just in Rome.

There's was much to explore and do and to experience.

And when it comes down to it,

I think that's what this trip instilled in me.

A sense of adventure.

A desire to go explore.

A deep want to have as many experiences as I can.

That's why some part of me wants to go skydiving.

Or swim in a shark cage.

Or ride an elephant.

I just want to do cool and amazing stuff.

This trip showed me what adventure feels like,
 and I'm slightly addicted.

I Stutter.

I'm gonna start this with a recommendation.

If you watched the Oscars this past Sunday you may have seen

Benjamin Cleary and Serena Armitage's short film "Stutterer"  win best short film.

I watched Tuesday afternoon and had to take a moment to collect myself before walking into freshman bible study.

I don't know if I've ever personally related to a film like that before.

It's incredible, and I totally recommend you watch it.

So.

 I stutter.

Stuttering is kinda a mystery.

No one really knows what causes it or how exactly to fix it.

There are techniques you can employ that can help yourself get through it,

but there's no permanent fix.

Personally, my stuttering has gotten a lot better.

Before, I struggled with three to four different "types" of stutters, 

but now it's down to one.

They're called blocks.

It's when no sound comes out and you're just kinda stuck.

The word's there, right on the tip of my tongue, but it just won't come out.

And like I said earlier, there are techniques that you can try to get around a block,

but they've never really seemed to work for me.

So I revert to one of three methods.

I either completely change my sentence,

 I rely on someone else to say the word for me,

or I just give up completely and say I forgot.

Honestly, in the grand schemes of life, it's not that big of a deal.

I'm still a functioning member of society.

To some degree at least.

Most of the time I know which word I'm gonna get caught up on before I even start the sentence,

(I have no idea how I know that before I even try the word, but I do)

and I can usually save myself before then.

But it's been really frustrating lately. 

I struggle with certain names.

Like Becky.

It's such a simple name, but half the time it just doesn't come out of my mouth.

So half the time I refer to her as "What's her face" and hope the person knows who I'm talking about.

(Sorry Becky)

I can hardly tell a solid joke anymore.

I get stuck on the word and completely mess up the comedic timing and the joke completely falls flat.

I'm honestly afraid to just talk to girls, as pathetic as that sounds.

Now once I'm comfortable around you, it'll disappear to some degree.

If I'm calm, and relaxed, I'm usually pretty okay.

But it's a totally different story if I'm stressed or nervous. 

I can't say the word syllabus for the life of me.

I can't say blood sugar which is a big problem when trying to explain 

to my teacher why I need to just sit and eat.

I even stutter over the word stutter.

Which is just ironic and a huge frustration when I'm trying to explain myself.

All this to say,

please just be patient with me.

I'll eventually catch up with myself.

From the Ground Up

 I've figured out what the most difficult part of college is. 

 Well, for me anyway.

It's this rebuilding of friendships.

Not just basic friendships,

not friendships purely for the basis of entertaining each other,

not friendships purely for the basis of not being lonely,

but friendships that surpass that.

The problem is not that I've not done it before.

Because I have.

And I love those friendships, and have no plan to lose those.

The problem shows itself in the fact

that I've never built those kind of friendships in person.

All the people I'm super close too live far away,

So most of my interaction with them is through the internet.

That's the medium that I learned to really connect with people.

To put it very simply,

I don't actually know how to build those kinds of friendships because I've never done it before.

Don't take this the wrong way,

I'm not complaining.

I love college.

And I love these people I've gotten to know so far.

And I can't wait to explore life with them in the future.

As with most of life,

It's a time thing, I'm sure.

But who knows.

Maybe here soon,

 a few of us will build a castle together.