I'd like to start by acknowledging the fact that I'm prone to the dramatic.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm very hyperbolic.
I exaggerate all the time and I'm prone to romanticize things.
That being said.
That being said.
I don't think I'm doing so here.
I'm going to try and spell out sort of what I deal with on a day to day basis.
I've been wanting to write about this for a long time now but never felt like I could put it into words.
You know that feeling when you try to get out of bed,
but you were up later than you should have,
and you're waking up way earlier than you should be.
How you have to gather that energy and strength to roll out of bed and start your day?
Just imagine that feeling and apply it to every choice or decision I have to make.
Every time I have to do something it's the same deal.
I'd much rather sit where I was.
Most likely curled up in a blanket.
Hopefully curled up in my bed.
And I'd rather do that than anything else.
I'm constantly having to exert more energy than is necessary to do simple tasks.
I feel like I do most things purely out of survival.
If it's going to affect me in a very negative way, I can muster the energy to get it done.
But if it doesn't require my immediate attention, and I'm not going to suffer in the now, it's probably not gonna get done.
This is why the handle on the trunk of my car has been broken for well over a year, even though I bought the part.
My brain's a dark place.
Left alone and I freak myself out.
So I'm constantly distracting myself.
I also feel like that's a big reason why I love film and media in general.
For two hours I can exist outside of myself.
My brain is fully occupied with the world the movie presents.
I get to leave my negative head, and go live elsewhere.
I also realized why this is so dangerous.
The only thing that makes this better is taking charge of it.
Doing better with schedules.
Thinking about the future instead of the now.
But that requires energy.
Energy that I don't have.
Energy that I already covet.
And after reading this over and over again, I think it's time I go back to counseling.
I don't think this is right, and I don't think this is how it should be.
and that's the most positive way I can think to end this.
