From the Ground Up

 I've figured out what the most difficult part of college is. 

 Well, for me anyway.

It's this rebuilding of friendships.

Not just basic friendships,

not friendships purely for the basis of entertaining each other,

not friendships purely for the basis of not being lonely,

but friendships that surpass that.

The problem is not that I've not done it before.

Because I have.

And I love those friendships, and have no plan to lose those.

The problem shows itself in the fact

that I've never built those kind of friendships in person.

All the people I'm super close too live far away,

So most of my interaction with them is through the internet.

That's the medium that I learned to really connect with people.

To put it very simply,

I don't actually know how to build those kinds of friendships because I've never done it before.

Don't take this the wrong way,

I'm not complaining.

I love college.

And I love these people I've gotten to know so far.

And I can't wait to explore life with them in the future.

As with most of life,

It's a time thing, I'm sure.

But who knows.

Maybe here soon,

 a few of us will build a castle together.

Your Rocket Man

From your Rocket Man

to you.

My Shooting Star.

From the beginning you were my mission.

Somehow I was going to reach you.

Didn't know quite how that was going to happen at the beginning.

Until it became clear I'd have to go out on a limb.

I had to take a rocket ship to you.

Now, a rocket ship is no bicycle.

It's much harder to get home, once you take a ride on a rocket ship.

But after talking to my friends and family, I knew I had to reach you.

I waited till you were in the perfect position in the night sky,

then I took off.

I couldn't wait to make contact with you.

My hopes and dreams of what I would discover, kept me up at night for years.

As I was blasting off, I couldn't help but be excited for the future.

Then I missed.

I miscalculated.

I missed you.

My shooting star, I shot right past you.

Off into the night sky.

I can't turn around.

Like I said, I'm piloting a rocket ship here.

I've got nowhere to go but forward.

But I'm not sure where to go now.

I wanted to get to you.

I wanted to discover my future on your surface.

Now my future is behind me.

After all these months in space, I still hate that I miscalculated.

I hate that I missed.

But I do want to tell you something.

I want to thank you.

For being there.

For pushing me.

For keeping me on the right track.

I've got all of the universe in front of me.

I wouldn't have that opportunity if it wasn't for you.

 I wouldn't be here if it weren't for for.


So thank you, my shooting star.

For everything.

I know you'll still be here when I figure out how to get back.

I'll see you soon.

Sincerely,

Your Rocket Man

Don't go

I'm back, with a fear.

This one's more real than most of them.

Because I've experienced it before.

That's not how confronting your fears usually works though.

Typically you conquer them after you experience them.

But this one is different.

I don't want to experience it again.

And I'm terrified that I will.

"Was it my fault that I meant, every single word I said?
When it told you it was not the end

And if everything goes wrong, I hope we can get along
If I lost you I would lose my best friend"

I really regret how I handled it the first time.

I think about it most days, and it hurts.

And I don't ever want to feel that again.

So please.

 Don't go.

Cause I couldn't stand to see our love just decompose.

It Clicked

I feel like an adult now.

I don't know what happened, but something clicked.

Something changed.

I feel like I'm in charge of my life now.


By no means am I done growing.

I've only been 18 for a month now.

I have so far to go.

So much left.

But something has changed inside.

I realized that I'm living for something bigger.

I'm starting becoming my own person.

Something clicked.

"I know who I am, my dear

I’m a wanted man

But the world I see looks good from here

Right from where I stand

Together we could disappear

I’m a wanted man

So come and get me"

Okay? Okay.

I need to know that I will be okay in the end.

Going through life with this constant fear 

of what happens on the other end

 isn't a good way to live.

That even though I'm going to loose people.

I'm going to be okay.

Right now I'm not okay with that.

Loosing these people I trust and can talk to about anything,

frightens me.

It's not even the fact that I know I won't lose them for good.

It's just the basic fact that these relationships won't be the same.

"You can still be friends with them!"

"You'll still go to each others weddings!"

"You can even see them once or twice a year sometimes!"

So you can try telling me we'll still be friends in the end.

And that very well may be.

But the fact is.

That friendship won't mean the same things that it used too.

The Message Conveyed An Interesting Way.

Art has two functions.

To teach and to please.

To convey a message in a way that's interesting.

That's what every good story does, no matter what medium it's told through.

Paintings.

Sculptures.

Literature.

Music.

Movies.

It's all storytelling.

Conveying a message in an interesting way is something I strive for.

I go out of my way to be creative.

I go to extremes. I chase ideas that may work or may not.

I'll admit. Not everything works.
Most of it doesn't.

But I don't want to be boring.

I don't want to go the normal route.

I want to be interesting.

The Chase

I'm chasing something that's going to save me.

But in this chase for my salvation there are so many obstacles in my path.

And one's been on my mind a lot recently.


My self worth is not defined in what others think of me.


I fell into that trap a long time ago.

In my time lost, that's all that kept me sane.

The fact that I was liked.

I was loved.


That hasn't changed.

I'm still liked.

Still loved.

But I'm not letting that define me.

It's not something I want to keep chasing.

I don't want that to be my goal,

To get someone to like me, isn't what I'm chasing after.

I'm chasing something else.

and I don't want to get lost again.

From Wanderer to Follower

I have a purpose again.

I now have something to strive towards.

But it's a purpose with a catch.

I wandered forty days and nights lost in the dark forest they call my mind.

I was lost.

But finally there's a star showing itself in the dark sky

And I've decided to follow it to it's unknown fate.

But how did I get stuck wandering in the first place.

To put it simply, I followed my feet.

I walked with my head down.

I walked with an ungrateful heart.

I walked with one simple purpose.

I never looked up.

And once I did it was way to late.

I was left with no choice but to wander.

Now I know things are going to be okay.

Even if this destination is unknown, I'm following something that will save me.

I'm no longer a wanderer.

I'm a follower.

Shambles

To put it ever so simply.

 My heart hurts. 

It's an ache that's confuses my senses, it messes with my reason.

My heart's confused.

It's this horrible distraction that I don't know how to deal with.



My heart is damaged.

It's an injury that's not easily healed.

My heart is broken.
I've put myself in a place I don't want to escape from.
The only way out of this is to break through the box that I'm trapped in.
But I can't get out without hurting this contraption that contains me.

But I have too get out.

This beautiful box will survive without a side.
It has five other sides to hold itself up.

But if I stay here much longer, I'll suffocate.

I'll suffocate under the weight that I've placed on top myself.

I won't survive much longer.

My ally is also my foe.
Time seems to be able to save me, I want it to help.

But my time's running out.

The clock is ticking. 

Every tick that passes, I hear a sound a salvation.

Only to be overrun by the droning noise of the next tock.

Time's not my ally.
Time's not my enemy.

I'm my own worst enemy.
And time just won't stop.

The Short Cry For Help.

Again and again it hits me.

I have to use technology to keep these friendships alive.

I have this love/hate relationship with Skype.

I cherish the fact that I can use it.

I love that hour or two I get to spend with these people I care about.

But the flips side?

I despise the fact that for that hour or two,

I have to use it.

Help me understand that God is using this for his glory.

Help me understand that somehow this is part of his plan.

Help me understand that it has to be this way.

Help me. 

The Week and My Quest

It hurts.

Plain and simple.

It doesn't ever stop.

It doesn't ever go away.

The week I spent with these wonderful people only brings that pain to the surface once again.

And frankly

That's all I can see right now.



But somehow, I'll find strength in this pain.

Somehow, this pain will drive me towards next time.

They're all still out there.

Looking at the same night sky that I am.

They didn't go away forever.



These people that I love,

Didn't leave me.

They're still out there somewhere.

And It's my quest to find them again.